Age of Anxiety
by CheesyGrins
Summary: When you're destined to be together, what choice do you have?
1. Prologue

**_Disclaimer: Characters and context based on "Twilight" by Stephanie Meyer._**

* * *

"Jake…" I whispered, tentatively reaching out towards his hand. He didn't react as I lay my hand on his, didn't flinch as I leaned in, silently begging him to understand. He just continued to stare blankly away from me, his expression lifeless.

"Jake…I'm so sorry…" My voice cracked as I choked back tears. I hated this. I hated myself for doing this. But I was trapped, a victim of my own stupid emotions.

Unable to speak anymore, I gently wrapped my little finger around his, and showed him. Showed him my memories of us playing when I was just a child, showed him my diary entries gushing about him…showed him the confusion that had shattered our perfect fairytale. I furnished my memories with love, regret, anguish.

I couldn't stand to look at him anymore, to see the pain in his eyes. Pain that I had caused. I closed my eyes, vaguely aware of the tears sliding down my cheeks. I wanted him to scream at me, to hate me, to wish me dead. But not this, anything but this.

I felt his big, warm hand gently cup my chin, guiding my face upwards to be level with his.

"Honey, you did nothing wrong." I could see he was trying to mask his agony, but that only made it worse. I glanced into his eyes, and I was stuck. I couldn't look away, but I couldn't bear to see. We held each other's gaze, until he slowly pulled away.

And then he was gone. My Jakey. My rock...my best friend…my should-be soul mate.

I couldn't suppress a whimper of… I don't know. Of pain. Of self-hatred.


	2. Childhood Bliss

I was just in the kitchen making one of my famous grilled cheese sandwiches, (it's a shame my family can't eat them really, they're pretty damn good), when two big, soft hands clapped over my eyes.

"Guess who?"

I turned around, smilling.

"Well, they're not freezing...but they do smell like deer meat. I wonder...?" I giggled as he poked my ribs.

"Ahh the mighty sandwich! Going spare?" He flashed that cheeky lopsided grin I'd come to love before diving at my plate.

I watched him eat, warmth flowing through me at just the sight of him. My Jakey.

I can't imagine my life without him in it. I suppose thats because I've never had to, he's always been there and probably always will be. Just thinking that made me grin uncontrollably.

"Whats up with you, loon?" He'd already demolished my sandwich and was watching me smile, grinning pretty widely himself. He always said he loved my smile, he loved to see my happy.

I guess thats what imprinting does to you.

Jake had explained imprinting to me a while back. I'm still a bit hazy on the details, but I know he loves me. And he's sort of...bound to me. I liked that.

"Maybe I'm going crazy from sandwich deprivation?"  
"Yep, nuthouse for you." He dived at me and easily lifted me up, carrying me like a bride out of the door whilst tickling my sides. I squealed and squirmed until he set me down on the sofa, and came to sit next to me.

He turned on the television to watch it, and I watched him. I took in his strong cheekbones and floppy hair...his muscley arms casually draped around the back of the sofa...his big, chocolate brown eyes that you could spend hours melting into.  
I felt myself blush, as if he could hear my thoughts.

I don't know why I was embarrased, Jake knew I loved him. But...I guess its always been closer to family love than ...

Jakey was the big brother every girl wanted. He would spend hours playing horsey with me as a baby, would sit with me until I fell asleep, would be there whenever I wanted him. As I got older he was the one who spent 3 straight days redecorating my bedroom. He was the one who took me to the beach for the very first time. He was the one who taught me to climb trees and ride a motorbike (much to Dad's distaste).  
My life had been about Jake as much as his had been about me. He was the one person outside my family who knew me, who knew everything. My confidante and my best friend.

Of course, I didn't always know about the imprint thing. It was Jake who explained that to me too.


	3. Self Discovery

I was five at the time...or thirteen. It depends how you look at it.

Seth was hanging around watching television. I think he loves Jake almost as much as me...he's always here. Of course that could be to do with Esme's cooking; for someone who doesn't eat the woman's a genius. I was falling asleep on the sofa...extreme growth does that to you.

"Hey, lets go for a run!" Seth was getting restless being inside so much. Not in a wolf's nature according to him.

"I think I'm just gonna stay with her. But you go kid, you need the exercise. All Esme's food is making you soft." He punched Seth's stomach playfully. I guess he thought I was asleep.

"Awww, come on. She's asleep anyway, we'll be back before she even knows we're gone!"

"Still. You don't get it."

"Yeah, yeah...because I haven't imprinted." Seth scowled at Jake, before darting out the door.

Imprinted...that sounded familiar but I couldn't place it. I don't know why it seemed so significant, but I felt like...I was discovering something. A part of myself that I'd always been missing, without even realising it was gone. Something that I never knew about, but once I did, it would change everything.

I considered the conversation I had just heard. Jake had said he wanted to stay with me, and Seth had implied it was because Jake had imprinted. Where did I come into this? Was it a good thing...or not? Was it something I had done, without even realising?

I could feel Jake's hands running clumsily through my hair. I opened my eyes to look up at him, and immediately giggled at his dopey expression.

"I thought you were asleep, monster?"

"I was, nearly. But the wolves woke me up." I grinned. My big, scary wolf.

Jake came and sat on the floor, in front of the sofa I was on, his arm next to me.

I stroked it absentmindedly, still considering what Seth had said.

"Jake," I began, suddenly apprehensive. After all, I wasn't supposed to have heard that conversation. But I looked down at him, and I realised...he would tell me anything. He would do anything for me. He was MY Jakey. "What was that Seth said earlier? Y'know, about him not having imprinted?"

His face grew serious for a second, while he studied my expression, deciding if I could handle the truth. Then he seemed to make up his mind, nodding to himself.

"Well, Ness...its sort of a wolf thing. I guess you've noticed how much time I spend around here? Well..." 


	4. Hunting

"Hey, what are you thinking about?"

Jake gently nudging my shoulder brought me back from my flashback. I realised I had been staring at him and felt my cheeks flush.

"Um just...wondering where Mom and Dad have got to." I smiled, hoping he wouldn't see through my lame excuse.

"Do you want me to find them for you?" He offered, already half off the couch. I laughed; he was always so eager to do anything for me. I pulled him back, my hand lingering on his perhaps a second too long. He didn't seem to notice, as he crashed back down next to me and wrapped him arm around my shoulders.

"I'm sure they're just hunting or something. What are we watching?"

I didn't really hear his answer, I was lost in my own thoughts again. I knew that, when I was old enough, Jake would be in love with me. Romantically. And so it was assumed we would spend the rest of our lives together. I was starting to wonder when that would be.

Would I be ready? I felt so comfortable with him...I missed him when he wasn't around. Was I already in love with Jake?  
I tried to imagine kissing him, but the very thought made me tense awkwardly. Maybe not yet.  
After about 20 minutes of lounging around the living room, Mom and Dad appeared in the doorway.

"Nice to see you've moved exactly three feet."

The sun cast rays through the glass windows, making my parents' skin glitter. My eyes ached at their radiance and I felt a twinge of jealousy. I've always wished I could sparkle like that. All I get is a faint glow...barely noticable really. Of course, it did have its advantages. I could go out in public in the sun.

"Subtle Mom. I wanted to go hunting anyway. C'mon Jake."

I took his hand as we left, and out of the corner of my eye I could see Mom watching, smiling hesitantly to herself.

We took off running, Jake keeping pace with me. I lost his grip as we darted either side of the trees, but I could always feel his presence...his warmth, close by. I watched him running alongside me, whooping with joy as he raced across the forrest. I loved to see him so happy, so illuminated. He looked so strong, so powerful, and yet so soft. His face glowed with excitement as his muscles flexed, carrying him effortlessly. I could have watched him forever, but we had hunting to do.

I let my senses overwhelm me, guiding me towards a herd of deer. Dull, but easy. Jake phased, and caught scent of them too; we were headed in the same direction. What he had in speed, I made up for in agility. As he paused for me, I easily leaped over him to pounce on the biggest, leaving him to take down the next largest.

No human food could ever compare to this. The satisfaction of warm, sweet, thick blood, trickling down my throat and soothing the faint throbbing that would always be with me. For a few moments I forgot everything and focused only on savouring every last drop.

"Someone's hungry." Jake smirked at my frenzy, as I drained the animal entirely. Hunting never was quite the same for him...it was just food, same as any other.  
I opened my mouth for a witty retort, when suddenly, I heard something. Movement. And this definitely wasn't an animal. 


	5. Blind Panic

In a second I was crouched into a defensive position, lip curled back into a snarl. Jake took my warning and phased instantly, back arched protectively as he stood beside me.

The movement was fluid and quick; if it wasn't for my vampire hearing I wouldn't have noticed it. I tried to catch a scent...but couldn't. That could only mean one thing. And that was not good.

As the intruder approached, everything happened in an instant. Jake pounced without a seconds thought, focused only on protecting me. Fast and furious, his gigantic wolf form leaped through the air...only to be knocked backwards with a painful crack. Seeing Jake hurt overrode any fear, and I snarled and poised to attack.

But the intruder had stopped. I was able to focus long enough to recognise the familiar face. 


	6. Familiar Faces

"Tanya!" I cried, relief and surprise washing over me. My momentary happiness faded as I remembered Jake, and the forceful blow she had delivered to him. I spun around, terrified of seeing him hurt, but anxious to be beside him as soon as inhumanly possible.

He had managed to phase back, and was lying on the ground, weak but not agonised. I hurried to his side, pretty sure that he would heal in a few hours but worried nonetheless.

"Ness, I'm fine...gotta do better than that to keep a werewolf down!" He tried to grin but it looked more like a grimace.

"I'll get Carlisle. Are you going to be okay on your own?" I chewed my lip, not liking the thought of leaving him like this but not seeing any other option.

"And what am I, fried tuna?" A voice trilled from behind me. I had almost forgotten Tanya's presence. I looked up at her, annoyance flashing through me at what she had done to my Jakey.

She seemed to pick up on this, as she reached out and stroked my arm softly.  
"Hey, Nessie, he attacked me. I had to defend myself."

Sighing, I knew she was right...but still. I hated to see Jake in pain.

"Well you could say its polite to call first." Jake muttered.

I smiled at Tanya, glad to see her now the chaos had calmed down. It had been so long!

We hugged, and she commented on how much I'd changed. To be fair, this typical line actually applied to me...I had looked about ten last time I'd seen her.

"So, what brings you here? Are you alone?" I hoped the others were with her, especially Carmen. We got on so well, she had been one of the first to accept me back in the day.

"No, no. The others are all on their way." She smiled warmly at me, knowing this was the answer I was looking for. "We were just passing and thought we'd stop in to say hello."

"That's great. Carlisle will be so pleased to see you! I'll tell him you're here." After one final check that Jake was going to be OK in my absence, I raced back to the house. All the vampire speed I could muster propelled me towards Carlisle's study, where I came to an abrupt stop much to the amusement of a studious-looking Carlisle.

"Nessie," he greeted me, looking up from his books.

"Carlisle, you need to come to the woods because Jake's hurt...but not really hurt just because Tanya attacked him...shes visiting...but she only did it because he leaped at her. But its not his fault because he didn't know but I guess its not hers either, its just..." I trailed off, anxious to get back to the woods.

Carlisle took a second to take in my rushed explanation before nodding and leading the way into the woods. He could easily locate Jake through his scent and was already examining him by the time I had caught up.

"Its most likely a cracked rib. Given you're previous record for healing, I would say you'll be healed within the hour," Carlisle assured me more than Jake, who was still mumbling sarcastic comments about unannounced guests. Carlisle turned to Tanya.  
"I must say, its an unexpected delight!" He moved to embrace her and glanced around for the rest of the family.

"Oh they're on their way," Tanya informed him, following his gaze.

"Well then, I suggest we meet them back at the house. The others will be dying to see you." He effortlessly lifted Jacob, as we all headed back inside. 


	7. Reunions

What with the psychic, the mind reader and the superhuman hearing, it was pretty hard to surprise our household.

Before we'd even reached the front door, Alice came bouncing out to greet Tanya. She just laughed when she saw Jake, teasingly rather than maliciously, but I still scowled at her. I knew I could be slightly overprotective of Jacob, especially in regards to my family. I followed Carlisle to his study, where he lay Jake gently across the futon.

"Don't worry Ness, I'll take care of him. Go and join the others, I'm sure the rest of the Denali's will be here soon."

I glanced at Jake, who rolled his eyes at me.

"Go! I'm practically healed already."

I gave his hand a quick squeeze and darted off to join the others. They were gathered in the living room, eagerly listening to Tanya's latest news. I noticed that Dad had his arm wrapped around Mom, and they seemed slightly reserved. There was always some kind of unspoken tension between Mom and Tanya, but I hadn't figured it out and they weren't going to explain.

"He would get on well with Carlisle, I tell you. Such a good heart. And so accepting of of our lifestyle, like its exactly what he's been looking for!"

"Whats this?" I asked, coming into the room and settling myself on the sofa. Its not like anyone else needed a seat.

"We have a new brother, Suhail! You'll meet him soon; he's coming with the others." Tanya was clearly excited to introduce him to us. In fact, I was pretty excited. What with my rapidly changing appearance, I rarely got to socialise outside our little family. This Suhail was unknown, mysterious.

"How did you find him?"

"We came across him while we were out hunting. He was attempting to follow the scent of a mountain lion, but being used to human blood, it wasn't strong for him. We, of course, were happy to guide him into the vegetarian lifestyle. And once we got to know him...well we couldn't even consider sending him off alone again. I must say, he is charming. I think you'll get along with him Ness...he's about your age, and only changed a few years ago."

"Well, now's our chance to find out," Alice squealed. I took that to mean the rest of the Denali family were approaching.

Sure enough, we heard light, rapid footsteps a few moments later. As everyone else ran out to greet them, I stuck my head in to check on Jake. Carlisle had bandaged him up, and he was snoring softly on the couch. I laughed to myself, before slipping back out the door.

I could hear everyone bustling through the hall, greetings and hugs flying everywhere. I wandered down as they all disappeared into the lounge, one trailing behind the rest. I could only see the back of his head, but assumed this must be Suhail.

I studied his deep brown hair, long enough to run your fingers through but not so long it was shaggy. His frame formed the perfect V shape; wide shoulders with a slim waist, and muscles rippled down his arms. His body language seemed hesitant, but not shy.

He seemed to sense someone watching him, quickly flipping round and meeting my eyes. I felt like I was knocked backwards by the sheer force of his gaze, the liquid amber tinged with a red I knew hinted at his past. For a second I couldn't breathe, couldn't move. 


	8. Dazed and Dazzled

He seemed equally stunned, although he managed to pull himself together more quickly.

"You must be Renesmee?" He smiled encouragingly. That smile...reaching all the way from his full mouth to his eyes, causing dimples in his cheeks. Could vampires even get dimples? He certainly seemed solid enough, with his square jawline, and firm cheekbones.

Somewhere amidst my thoughts I realised he was waiting for me to speak.

"I...um...yeah," I stammered.

What was wrong with me?? All of a sudden I'd turned into a stuttering idiot. Over what? I couldn't figure out what was so special about Suhail, to make him have this effect over me. I mean sure, he was beautiful, but thats just a vampire thing. And a wolf thing, come to think of it.

Thinking about Jake suddenly sent a wash of guilt over me. What was that about? I racked my brains to see what had happened in the last few minutes to turn me into this emotional wreck but I couldn't think of anything.

Of course, I was finding it difficult to concentrate, (or breathe), while Suhail was still watching me, smiling that dazzling smile. I was suddenly overcome with the urge to touch Suhail, just to feel that smooth, marble structure of his skin. To brush my hand against his cheekbones. To...

I stopped myself midthought. I'd barely known him two minutes! Snap out of it Nessie!

I smiled my most dazzling smile in response, and made an effort to sound casually friendly.

"Yeah, I'm Nessie. You're Suhail right?"

His smile stretched wider. "I see Tanya's saved us the long-winded introductions. Its very nice to finally meet you, Renesmee."

"Nessie," I corrected with a smile.

"Nessie then," he paused to dazzle me again, before gesturing towards the lounge. "Shall we?"

I stumbled through the doorway, still dazed and confused about our meeting. I watched Suhail effortlessly slide into conversation with Alice and Carmen. I sat quietly, trying to sort the garbles in my head into some kind of coherent thought. What had just happened? 


	9. Confessions

The chatters of everyone else became background noise, as I focused on Suhail.

I listened to his silky voice as he recounted his life so far to an enthusiastic Alice. I watched the way his lips moved, forming perfect shapes, as he talked. I sunk into his liquid gold eyes, revelling in that tinge of red that made them seem almost on fire.

Suddenly his eyes caught mine. He seemed slightly taken aback by my intense scrutiny, but not annoyed. He flashed me a small smile, enough to make me catch my breath, before bowing his head and continuing his conversation with Alice.

That small interaction had my head spinning. I had to leave, to sort myself out away from Suhail's confusing presence. I started for the door.

"Nessie, where are you going? You've hardly said two words," Carmen called.

"I expect she's going to check on Jake...been worrying about him Ness?" Mom smiled knowingly at me.

"Oh of course. Where is the dog?" Rose hadn't exactly warmed to Jake.

Dad chuckled. "I think Tanya took him by surprise. He's recouperating in Carlisle's office."

I heard laughter and jokes, but I couldn't focus on anything. I mumbled something about Jake and rushed out of the room.  
I started to head up the stairs, but then turned. I would go and check on Jake. But something about me didn't want to, I still had that unnerving feeling, like I was guilty about something.

I brushed it aside and walked towards the office. Slowly pushing open the door, I could see Jake was still asleep. I moved to sit next to him; walking quietly was not a problem for me. I could feel the warmth glowing from him, as if drawing me in.

He snored lightly and I supressed a giggle. There was my Jakey.

The familiarality of this, of me and Jake, comforted me, and washed away the confusion from earlier. It felt like taking an overwhelming trip to this exotic land, and then coming home. I sat there playing with strands of his hair, and breathing in his wolfy smell for about an hour, before he stretched and opened his eyes.

"Hey monster. Where's the Adams family?" He yawned and cracked his fingers. I cringed, remembering the crack when Tanya had thrown him off her earlier.

"Everyone's in the living room. I thought I'd use the space heater while you were napping."

"Yeah must suck to live in an iceberg. Well if its heat you want..." He grabbed me, wrapping his arms around me and crushing me into his body. I giggled and squirmed...I was boiling within a second.

"Heat...not...furnace," I managed between giggles.

Jake released me, so quickly I fell out of his grasp straight onto the floor. I bounced up and shook myself out, to see Jake gazing at me. I blushed and glanced down, clearing my throat.

"Sorry Ness," Jake too started to blush. "It's just...you have no idea how beautiful you are. It's hard not to get caught up sometimes."

I sighed, I knew that was the imprinting talking.

"You know Jake, anyone sane would realise they're in a house of stunning, sparkling, gorgeous vampires, and crushing on the average little half breed," I teased.

His face remained serious as he moved toward me, tilting my chin to look at him.

"Ness, never think that. Imprinting doesn't blind us. You just can't see how truly amazing you are. But I can, and I will tell you until you believe me," he leaned closer, whispering to me so even my family couldn't hear. "Because I love you, Renesmee Cullen. More than you can ever understand."

I felt the intensity weighing down on me as I looked at Jake. I wanted to be able to whisper back, to tell him how beautiful he was, and how I loved him. But in the back of my mind, Suhail's face lingered.

In a second Jake had moved away again and was grinning at me, like nothing had changed. Had anything changed? We'd both known this all along. But still...

"Well, I guess I should make an appearance in the living room. I'd hate to disappoint my fans," He winked at me and headed into the living room. I lingered for a minute, trying to gather my thoughts, before concluding that was impossible.

I sighed and followed, feeling the anticipation rise at the thought of seeing Suhail again. 


	10. Making Sense Of It

As I walked back into the living room, Suhail was hovering near the door...as if he was waiting for me.

I could see Jake merrily squeeze himself next to Rose, revelling in her disgust, and attempt to put his arm around her, to see how far he could push it. From the look she gave him, not that far.

Everyone else was also occupied in conversations, and so I felt less self-concious as I stopped next to him.

"Glad to see Tanya didn't do any lasting damage." He nodded towards Jacob. His breath was sweet and tempting, somewhat resembling mulled wine, but far better.

"Lasting is a relative term around here," I smiled. He laughed lightly.

I scrambled for something to say, to keep the conversation flowing without losing my cool. I realised how much I wanted to impress him, to dazzle him anywhere near how he'd dazzled me. But no, I had nada.

"So, how long have you been living with the Denali's?" I asked, for lack of any sparklingly witty anecdotes.

"Only about 6 months, actually. It feels much longer, they're so welcoming, its just become home to me."

I nodded my agreement. Tanya and her sisters were practically family, I'd come to love them for their warm natures.

"If you don't mind me asking," he glanced at me, "how old are you?"

I laughed. There was an interesting question.

"Well, theres a few answers to that. Psychologically, and physically, I'm about 16. But I was born 7 years ago. And intellectually...well I'm out of the park, sunshine," I grinned and winked at him. He laughed again, trailing off until he was just smiling at me. He held my gaze for an impossibly long time. My heart fluttered as I tried desperately to remember how to breathe.

"You alright, Ness?" I jumped as Jake bounded to my side, taking in my flustered appearance and obviously drawing the wrong conclusions. He was very protective of me, especially around new vampires, and eyed Suhail suspiciously.

"Of course, just...getting to know Suhail." I made an effort to smile at Jake to reassure him, but I was still shaky.

I could feel Jake's warmth radiating off him. It was comforting, and I loved it. But it didn't take my breath away. Not like Suhail's chilling presence. Jake's voice didn't send shivers up my spine. His big brown eyes didn't make my world spin.

Jake made me so happy, and I wanted him around, always. Up until now, I'd wondered if this was the way Mom felt about Dad. If this was the strong bond that everyone had told me would bind me to Jake forever. But now...I wasn't so sure. As I thought about that, it hit me.

The effect Suhail had on me. It had been so confusing...I didn't know what it meant. But now I did. I liked Suhail.

I could feel my face heat up as I glanced up at him. He didn't seem to notice, being mid-conversation with Jake. I studied his face...I'd never _liked_ a guy before. I guess because I'd assumed I'd be with Jake, from when he told me about imprinting. I took in his clean, masculine structure, his soft hair, those amazing eyes. He was beautiful...but there was more than that. He was so smooth, so composed but he had that air of mystery. The way he smiled like he knew something, like he was amused at some secret joke. He was so gentle, but that tinge of red in his eyes reminded me that he was dangerous. And that only made me want to be closer to him, to know him deeper.

Jake's laughter snapped me back to reality. I looked up, suprised at this turn of events. He and Suhail seemed to be getting on pretty well. Well Suhail _was_ charming...

And Jake had such a good, loving heart. And he was destined for me. So what if I had a crush on Suhail...you don't mess with destiny.

Right?


	11. Confusion

After...well I'm not sure how long, everything outside of those piercing eyes had blurred.

Except every now and then, my dizzy little bubble was pierced by a hearty laugh, and I'd be remember my Jakey. And he was just that...mine. So I guess that makes me his.

Which is exactly what I've always wanted.

I think.

But after a while, Tanya announced that they should be leaving, they had only come for a flying visit on their travels. At that my heart thudded with panic...I wasn't ready for Suhail to leave yet. Lost in my internal frenzy, I forgot that everyone in the room could hear my heartbeat.

"Renesmee, are you okay?" Mom sounded alarmed at my frantic heart.

Think fast, Nessie...

"Oh I just haven't had the chance to spend any time with Carmen! Couldn't you stay a few days? We've got eternity." I shot Tanya my most adorable smile, to which she laughed and agreed to extend their visit for another day.

Just as my panic subsided, I caught Dad's eye. He was smirking knowingly, but he seemed worried. Confused even.

Shit. Shit, shit, shit!!

How had I not realised earlier? I guess he was trying to stay out of my head, but became concerned when my heartbeat went into ultradrive. I stared back at him, silently pleading with him not to say anything.

He bowed his head and left the room, allowing me my mental privacy.

"So bebe, we've got some bonding time," Carmen smiled and hugged me. I tried to smile back, to chatter enthusiastically, but my mind was elsewhere. With a stunning pair of flaming eyes. 


	12. Defining Moment

I was whisked away by Carmen on a hunting trip and catch up session, and so I didn't get a chance to see Suhail until the next day.

I found him and Jake in the garage, eagerly discussing the pros and cons of a diesel motorbike.

"Hey monster!"

"Hey wolfy," I laughed at Jake's enthusiasm. I swear, the smile that covered his face upon seeing me could have lit the entire room. It made me feel all the more guilty that it was not him I had wanted to see.

As he continued toying with the engine of his bike, I turned to Suhail, catching my breath as he met my eyes.

"I didn't have you pegged as the mechanic type?"

"Well, when you have all of eternity, you have time to broaden your interests." He smiled that perfect, charming smile...the smile that made my knees buckle.

I tried to look casual as I sat inside the nearest car, but my thudding heart and my shaky breaths must have given me away.

Damn humanity.

"Touche. So, in your expert opinion, diesel...yay or nay?"

He tilted his head as he thought, studying me as if to anticipate my response. I felt like he could see inside me...like he knew me. I longed to know him.

"Nay! What's a bike without speed?" Jake called, grinning at me.

He assumed I would agree; what vampire (half breed or not) didn't love speed? Secretly I thought that the environmental benefits outweighed the speed...we had to live with this planet forever after all. Still, I smiled back at him.

"Actually, I think the environmental benefits outweigh the speed. Some of us have to live on this plane for all eternity, we may as well look after it." Suhail watched for a reaction. I tried to remain neutral, nodding thoughtfully, but inside I was reeling. I told myself to calm down; statistically someone had to agree with me.

"Oh yeah, play the old eternity card," teased Jake, jumping up. "I'm gonna go grab a sandwich...want anything Ness?"

I shook my head, still trying to even out my breathing. As he bounded out, I realised me and Suhail were alone. I'd been waiting for this moment ever since that first encounter...and now it was here.  
And I didn't really know what to do with it.

"Alone at last."

I gasped. Was it possible he had been thinking the same thing as me? Had he too been trapped in this emotional turmoil? Had he been longing for a chance to be alone with me....the chance to grab me and...

I was snapped out of my fantasy by his gentle laughter. He had bared his teeth...the old "I'm going to kill you" joke. Hilarious.

I giggled softly but he seemed to sense my unease. He slowly moved closer.

"You didn't really think I would do it?" He asked cautiously.

"Of course not. Although I hear I'm pretty damn tempting." I smiled weakly, overwhelmed by his proximity. It didn't help when he moved closer.

"That you are. But I think the pleasure of your company is sufficiant to refrain me," he murmured as he hesitantly inhaled my scent.

"You're very controlled for a newborn." Most vampires would have downed me by now, especially with such open opportunity.

"I don't think its that difficult to choose between goodness and monstrosity." His face grew serious...sad. I had seen that face on Dad, the self-hatred that came with having killed.

"You shouldn't blame yourself. Its a natural urge, and now you've overcome it. Thats more than most." I could barely breathe and yet I knew I had to say something. I didn't want him to suffer.

"But its not enough. When I think of what they must have gone through...you know I can't even remember their faces? They were just..." He trailed off, suddenly realising where he was. He moved away slightly and fixed a polite smile on.

"Sorry, I guess I'm not the best at idle chatter."

I didn't want this, for him to remain polite and distant. I wanted that intensity back...to feel so close to him. I stepped towards him, desperate to recapture the moment.

"I'm not a big fan of idle chatter."

I realised he was holding his breath too. He felt something, I only hoped it was what I felt.

"You have to pass eternity somehow."

"I think I have a better idea," I leaned towards him. I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't have time to think about it. All I knew was that right then, only he existed. And that was all I needed.

Our lips met and my senses exploded. His lips were so cold, so smooth. As they gently pushed into mine I could feel my own yielding, wrapping around his in all their sweet, solid glory. I was filled with his sweet scent, the most amazing on earth. I closed my eyes and the world disappeared apart from the stony angel in front of me, as I moulded myself to him in a manner so natural it had to be right. I felt his tense hands resting on my upper arms. His grip was firm but so gentle, in a way that sent shivers through me. I pressed myself against his chest, feeling muscles rippling under his shirt, needing him..craving him. I could feel the intensity radiating off him and I knew he wanted this too, but neither of us knew how long his restraint would last. I didn't care...I would let this be my last memory if only it would last a moment longer, but he tightened his grip before pulling away all together.

For a second I didn't move, unable to remember how to function. I slowly opened my eyes and was struck by two, burning images.

The first was those liquid eyes, the red tinge shining more strongly than ever, piercing me in a look of lust...of want.

The second was Jake, frozen in the doorway. 


	13. The Truth Hurts

In that instant, time froze. I wanted this, so badly, but I saw Jake's face, shocked and crushed, and then I didn't want it anymore. I wished Suhail had never existed...but the thought of that made me physically ache with pain. I couldn't give him up, not now I knew there was a chance, but I couldn't do this to Jake.

Suhail was the first to speak.

"Jacob. I'm so sorry that you had to see that. I don't know what I was thinking."

Suddenly Jake was distracted from me, and turned to Suhail angrily.

"But you're not sorry you did it are you? Even if you weren't a bloodsucker, even if you weren't putting her in danger, you're messing with her, charming her! She's just a kid and you..."

"Jake," I interrupted on the verge of tears. "Jake, please don't be angry at him. It was me Jake...all me. Lets talk, OK?"

I was desperate not to lose Jake, but I knew I couldn't be with him now. I had always thought that the fondness, the love I felt for Jake was being in love. I thought that was what couples felt for each other.

But the feelings I had for Suhail overwhelmed all of that. There was a difference, and I could see it now.

Jake met my gaze and held it, as he tried to decide what to do. I knew he didn't want to hurt me...even after I had hurt him.

He nodded slowly. "Lets talk," he agreed softly.

I looked back at Suhail, and for a moment I felt the urge to throw myself on him again.

"Please, wait for me?"

"Just whisper if you need me," he murmured, before gliding out of the door, avoiding Jake's gaze.

I moved closer to Jake and took his hand, guiding him towards a nearby bench. His hand was limp in mine, he let me lead him without any reaction.

I sat on the floor in front of him and waited for him to speak. To move. To do anything. It seemed to take hours.

"Do you...I mean. Suhail?" He could barely stammer the words out.

I hesitated before nodding. I knew I couldn't spare him now.

"I'm so sorry Jake. I wish it wasn't like this..." I trailed off. His gaze had drifted over my shoulder and his eyes were dead.

"But I love you Jake, I do! I just...Suhail is different. I just want to be near him...I can't explain it." I wanted to cry, to scream, to punch something. Why me? Why Jake?

Without meeting my eyes Jake laughed darkly.

"Sounds like you've imprinted."

As we sat in silence I felt pain wash through me, overwhelm me. This was Jake. My Jake. And I was torturing him.

I tried to catch his eye but he was staring away from me, his eyes dead. I didn't know if he was in shock, or if he just hated me.  
Jake I whispered, tentatively reaching out towards his hand. He didn t react as I lay my hand on his, didn t flinch as I leaned in, silently begging him to understand. He just continued to stare blankly away from me, his expression lifeless.

Jake I m so sorry My voice cracked as I choked back tears. I hated this. I hated myself for doing this. But I was trapped, a victim of my own stupid emotions.

Unable to speak anymore, I gently wrapped my little finger around his, and showed him. Showed him my memories of us playing when I was just a child, showed him my diary entries gushing about him showed him the confusion that had shattered our perfect fairytale. I furnished my memories with love, regret, anguish.

I couldn t stand to look at him anymore, to see the pain in his eyes. Pain that I had caused. I closed my eyes, vaguely aware of the tears sliding down my cheeks. I wanted him to scream at me, to hate me, to wish me dead. But not this, anything but this.

I felt his big, warm hand gently cup my chin, guiding my face upwards to be level with his.

Honey, you did nothing wrong. I could see he was trying to mask his agony, but that only made it worse. I glanced into his eyes, and I was stuck. I couldn t look away, but I couldn t bear to see. We held each other s gaze, until he slowly pulled away.

And then he was gone. My Jakey. My rock...my best friend my should-be soul mate.

I couldn t suppress a whimper of I don t know. Of pain. Of self-hatred.

I sat there, tears silently rolling down my face, rocking myself gently for hours. I don't know what time I heard the garage door creak open.

A pair of stone cold arms wrapped around me, soothing me gently. I collapsed into the familiar, comforting coldness.

"Mom," I sobbed. 


	14. Motherly Love

"Mom, did I do the right thing?" I sobbed, clinging to her arms, needing to hear her answer.

She was silent for a minute as she rocked me, making soothing noises into my hair.

"Only you know that, baby."

"You didn't see his face, his eyes. I'm a monster!" I wailed at the memory. I couldn't bear it.

Mom clung to me tighter and whispered to me.

"No, baby, you're not a monster. You're just in love."

The word struck me, I stopped sobbing for a second in shock. Could it be true? Could I possibly love Suhail after such a short time? I sighed...I guess I already knew that. I lay back, cradled in my mother's arms, and wished I could stay here forever. Safe, and protected. She held me until I had run out of tears, until my body could shake no more.

"What kind of person does that to their best friend?" I mumbled sadly. I knew I would always hate myself for this.

My mom smiled grimly, a flash of recognition in her eyes. I looked up at her, confused. She stared straight back at me, taking my hand and inhaling deeply.

"You know that Jake and I don't age? Well, there was a time, long before you came along, when I had to make a choice. Between my own gorgeous vampire, and Jacob."

I gasped, taken aback by this admission. Jake...and mom?

"We stayed friends, but I thought I had killed Jake, that I would hate myself forever."

"So, what happened?"

She hesitated, before replying. "He imprinted on you."

At that a new wave of silent tears washed over me. I knew how strong imprinting was...would Jake ever find another soulmate?

"Does imprinting ever happen twice? What if the imprintee...doesn't..."

"I don't know, Ness," she spoke softly. "But whatever happens, it isn't your fault. We can't choose who we love, or who loves us."

"He's Jake though, Mom! He's always been MY Jake!"

"And he always will be. He's hurting, but he's not going to walk away unless you want him to. He loves you, even if it has to be as a friend."

Was it cruel of me to want Jake to stay? Would I be hurting more by making him stay, or by sending him away? I didn't know what to do, what to think. I just sat and wished this could fix itself.

"Suhail's waiting in the house...I expect he's getting anxious. It's okay to be happy, Ness." Mom kissed my forehead and helped me up. She took my hand and we walked, slowly, towards the main house. 


	15. Happily Ever After?

As soon as I walked in he was next to me, anxiously studying my face. It must have been clear I had been crying, even if he hadn't heard everything.

Mom tactfully wandered off as Suhail took my hand and lightly pressed it to his lips. I looked up at him shakily, and I knew there could be no other outcome. I couldn't have committed myself to Jacob...not once I had experienced _this_.

His flame ridden eyes pierced mine as he whispered to me gently.

"Are you sure?"

"Are you?"

A small voice in my head still told me that he couldn't possibly want some unremarkable little half breed. That this was all some mistake, or elaborate dream that I was going to wake up from. He was a beautiful, sparkling, wonderful vampire. And I was just...me.

"You have to ask? Renesmee, I doubt there's a man alive that could resist you. You're the most fascinating person I've ever met." He paused for a second to brush my hair off my face, causing me to shiver. "And the most beautiful."

I wanted to tell him that I knew he was lying...I grew up in a house of vampires for gods sake, but I couldn't make my mouth work. Instead I just savoured the touch of his fingers on my skin.

We remained stood like that, with his hand gently resting on my face. We didn't need to move, or even speak. We just needed to be together.

This was the feeling I'd been waiting for...only I'd been waiting for it to emerge between me and Jake. This I could never have expected. But I knew, right then, that it was right. It was the only destiny for me.

I hoped that Jake would be around...that he would find happiness. I needed that. But right then, glancing up at Suhail, I could see only my own future.

And it was a happy one.

* * *

_A/N: Sorry it was a small chapter, but I thought it was short and sweet. Reviews would be much appreciated :)_


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